Heartbreak Trifecta/ Mental Health Check

I know you are used to seeing mostly funny stories on here. I don’t post the heartbreak because it’s too personal and hurtful. But writing is also therapeutic for me. And part of that blogging experience as a group of girlfriends pointed out a few weeks ago (and that I should share what I plan to below), was sharing my experiences because they are relatable. So if getting super personal and hearing intimate details of my romantic life makes you uncomfortable, to quote Megan from Bridesmaids…look away. And if you plan on staying, buckle up, it’s gonna be a long and bumpy ride. This is not a happy or funny post. It’s sad. It’s sad for me to write. It’s sad for me to re-read It’s raw and honest and open. And therapeutic. And it’s long.

But first…mental health check.

Dating has been detrimental to my mental health over the last four years. My therapist (yes I proudly go to therapy on a weekly basis) actually said I have PTSD from dating. I am not embarrassed or ashamed to admit I have been diagnosed with both anxiety and depression for many many years. I have been treating it through therapy and sometimes medication (for the last year though CBD oil). I am not ashamed. I manage both very well. But often I find myself sinking into that dark hole of depression that is triggered by getting hurt and rejected by men. And one of my coping mechanisms is retreating to myself. So if you have been reaching out to me via text or phone or email and I haven’t responded, please don’t take it personally. I am doing some self care because I am hurting right now. And I don’t want to talk to anyone. But my therapist.

Onto the dating disasters….

The last five months I have been single and dating after coming out of my last relationship. It’s as if the universe keeps sending me the most awful men on the planet to remind me that there is literally no one out there for me and every time I continue to date, the universe will ensure he is a piece of shit that will hurt me. In the last five months I’ve kept mum about three men who I dated each for a short time and each one of them hurt me. Each one of them I developed feelings for on various levels, was led on and then harshly disposed of by them. Let’s begin.

1. The Chef – age 51

He literally was/is a chef. Our close friends tried to set us up 2 years ago. My friend sent me pic and that was the end of it. Until earlier this year. He liked me on an app and I immediately recognized him. I reminded him who I was and he remembered. He let me know that two years ago he was coming out of a relationship and it was bad timing. We hit it off immediately. I mean we were clicking like crazy. Good conversations, good chemistry, good times hanging out. He made me feel like he was super into me. Then we had sex. And then he ghosted me. I tried to reach out a few times and he stopped responding. I got played. I got used. He made me think he wanted more, a relationship, but he was a liar. I’ve said it before, I respect men who say they want just sex more than these type of narcissists. I was so hurt and felt so used.

2. The Bodybuilder – age 46

This guy was jacked, a gym nut, would sent me workout videos every day. He was very smart. Had a master’s degree. Had a very good corporate job. Conversations were deep, meaningful. He had his shit together. Had two tween boys. Told me he never felt this type of connection and that it was rare. He said he just wanted to be with me. He was a one woman man and that we seemed like a great match. Things were going good. And then we had sex. And then his energy level shifted. I asked him and he said he was busy with work and that he was confident and comfortable with US and wanted me to feel the same so I said ok, I trust you. Until finally a week later, he unmatched with me on Bumble. That’s how I found out it was over. I texted him and questioned that. He said its just not working on his end. I was in shock. I asked what happened, what went wrong. He came back at me with numerous reasons, said I was too negative (he couldn’t give me one example), he said he did all the reaching out daily (which was a lie), that he wasn’t over his ex, that he wasn’t capable of being in a relationship right now and my favorite excuse – I couldn’t keep up with him physically in bed. Once again I felt used, played, disposable.

3. The Giant – age 40

This was the nickname I affectionally gave him because he was 6’3 after he nicknamed me cupcake. I honestly thought this guy was it. He was kind, sweet, funny. My sister met him and even said she loved him. We were getting along famously. He wanted to call me his girlfriend right away but we both agreed to not rush. He said he wanted to move fast with me because everything seemed right but he didn’t want it to burn bright and fast and I agreed and we agreed to move medium speed. He was so honest and open about everything. He had to be the most mature guy I’ve met in a while. He told me he deleted his dating apps and asked me to do the same. He said we don’t need the titles just yet, we are just together, but I’m yours and your mine. He said this will work if you don’t manipulate me or cheat on me (like his previous partners did) and as long as you are not dating anyone else, talking to anyone else or sleeping with anyone else. I said I wasn’t and didn’t want to and he said didn’t either. We even agreed to wait to have sex because I told him what the other two did and I was scared of being used again and then abandoned. He told me he was smitten with me. He even said he was addicted to me. I really thought this was going somewhere and I kept it low key but he was cool one night with me posting a picture of us on social media.

Then the betrayal came. I was so excited to go out with him on a Friday night to see one of my favorite bands. A bunch of my friends were going to be there and I told them all he was coming. I was just coming out of the shower after speaking with him on the phone. He had just sent me a picture of his outfit to see if I liked it. He called to tell me he couldn’t come, his mom was in a car accident and in the ER. I asked if she was ok, he didn’t know. I sent a text shortly after saying please let me know what is going on and if she is ok, I’m praying for her.

Then the heartbreaking call came a short time later. He said “I’m not gonna lie. It wasn’t my mom. It was my ex-girlfriend, the stripper in the car accident. I’m her emergency contact and she’s in bad shape and I gotta go.” And he hung up on me. I tried twice that night to call him back. I sent a text asking why she didn’t call her boyfriend. Then I said “I can’t believe you just lied to me and did this to me. I’m so fucking hurt right now.”

No response. Next day no response. I even tried to be the bigger person and reached out to ask if she was ok late the next day. No response. No calls, no texts, no explanations, no I’m sorry.

<side story: The stripper was his last relationship a few months ago. He dated her for 5 months and then found out he was the other man. She had a boyfriend for 2 years the entire time. I’m sure she was a great role model for his 10 year old daughter.>

I then noticed later that day he blocked me on Instagram and Facebook. So I sent another text letting him know that I noticed that and I assume the car accident as a lie and he went back to his ex among other things. He really did me dirty. At least be a decent person and say sorry went back to my ex or whatever it was that made you do a complete 180 on me. I was so unbelievably hurt. At least The Bodybuilder, even if a little harsh, “broke up” with me and gave me reasons. I just can’t understand how everything could be going so well, talking about future plans, asking me to commit to him, asking me to delete the dating apps, convincing me we were together and it was going somewhere and then to abruptly ghost me with no explanation – while I was getting ready for him to pick me up for a date and sleepover.

After this last one, I am so beat up. Between these three above and all the other ones I went on one or two dates this year with that I’ve written about that were all shit shows, I just feel like enough. I hear you universe loud and clear. I get it. Stop dating. There is no one out there for you and if I continue to try, you will continue to let my heart get broken over and over again. I honestly thought after losing Jay, the love of my life, when he died in November 2019 that one day I would get love again and not lose it so tragically. But it seems like those few months I had Jay was all I'll ever get. And as if losing your soul mate wasn't gut wrenching enough, the universe just continues to send me one heartbreak and another.

And please do not reach out and tell me it could have been worse, or it didn’t last that long so I shouldn’t be upset, or to work on myself, or I just haven’t met him yet. All of these things just make me feel worse. I’m hurt, I’m hurting, you do not know how I feel or what it’s like to be in my shoes. All I know is I put myself out there, I let my guard down, I was vulnerable, I trusted men who made me believe they had good intent, and in turn, they all broke my trust and hurt me.