The Bitch is Back

I mean, not really, I don't like to think I'm a bitch (maybe a wee bit), I just really love that Elton John song and thought it was appropriate since I haven't posted in almost three months.

Last we left off, I WAS bitching about some awful dates over the summer but I was also keeping quiet about meeting someone because I didn't want to jinx myself. I had met someone through a friend, we dated for a brief period, it didn't work out and that's all I'm going to say because I respect him and we are still friends.

So where does that leave me? Back to the drawing board I suppose. It's this weird irony I guess...I hate dating and putting myself out there because as I've seen over the last four years the amount of fish in the sea is dwindling as I approach 50 and most of those fish are swimming in some toxic waters and are poisonous. But on the other hand, I don't want to die alone.

So it's this internal struggling of wanting a partner but not actually wanting to try to find a partner. Coupled with the juxtaposition of the joy of my independence, freedom, singleness and doing what I want when I want (yes being selfish) while also realizing loneliness is real and sometimes it would be nice to have someone to go to that concert with or out to dinner with.

I guess if I found the right person (who I'm hoping magically appears on my doorstep), I would dive right in with no hesitation or restrictions because I have to remind myself that it did happen once before with Jay. And I hate anytime I bring it up to a friend or family member they point out all the what ifs had he still been alive. I'm not basing it on what if he didn't die 3 years ago this month. I'm basing it on the feelings and emotions I had with him. Where I knew after our first 3-hour conversation on the phone this is something special. And I knew after our first date that I was going to fall hard for this man. Jay was my soul mate. Could you have more than one in your life time? I think so.

So perhaps there will be more stories or not. Maybe this is where the blog ends. Or maybe keeps going. Ahhh who am I kidding...I have tons of shit show stories I still haven't told because I know y'all want to hear them....