The Three Love Theory

They say you get three loves in your life. Your first love, the one that breaks you and the soul mate. Now when you read about this theory, they say that's the order. I call bullshit. It was not the order for me. And I've had all three so does that mean I'm done? Destined for single hood for entirely? Perhaps but my heart says you can love many people in your lifetime. I mean, shittttt....Elizabeth Taylor had EIGHT husbands. I've only had one so I have some catching up to do.

My first love....sigh...The Marine

My first love I met when I was a few weeks shy of 17, a junior in HS. He was two years older and about to ship off to the marines. His best friend was dating my friend (who are married today). We had a tumultuous relationship with a lot of drama that lasted until my senior year of college (including him getting briefly married to another Marine while I was in college). I know I ruined the whole thing one day when he asked me if I ever would want to get married and have kids. I said I never wanted to get married or have kids (spare me, I was 21 and into partying and starting my career). I can still see the look of hurt and disappointment in his eyes when I said that. And he said, how am I supposed to feel when the woman I love says she never wants to get married or have kids? And I just shrugged. And it was over. YES I KNOW I WAS A BIG ASSHOLE. I regret that today.

Fast forward to 2009-ish. I was getting divorced. I friend requested him on Facebook and messaged him. The convo lasted about 3 minutes because he cut me off as soon as I said I wanted to apologize. I've tried a few times to reach out to him over the years and he still refuses to talk to me. In fact, the last time I friend requested him a few years ago he told our mutual friend he will never accept my friend request. I mean to this day, I saved every letter and postcard he sent me while he was in the Marines. Karma, I tell you and it's spelled D-a-n-i-e-l-le i-s a d-i-c-k.

The one that breaks you - Hoover

Need I remind you of the little boy who broke my heart and promised me the sun, moon, stars and sky to only cheat on me the entire five months with his ex-girlfriend? Who I forgave and took back and he did it again? I've never been cheated on (not that I'm aware of at least). I was broken. It felt like my heart was ripped out of my chest, clawed apart, stomped on and thrown in the garbage. And she was in on it. I can still see her little smirk as she pointed out all the things she knew about me, about us, about times he was supposed to be with me or got there late because SHE was with him. I never will understand how you can be so good to someone and love them and they will hurt you so painfully with no regret. But you know what? I read somewhere sometimes you have to let go off of someone who isn't on your level so they can go back to what they are used too. And guess what? Those two assholes are still together - which is perfect because they deserve each other.

The soul mate - Jay

If you've had this, you know what I'm talking about. That all-encompassing soul crushing can't breath feeling that this person is everything you dreamed of that you didn't know existed. Jay was beautiful inside and out. Soft spoken, shy, creative, passionate, caring, sensitive, interesting, intelligent, funny, charming. He loved music more than me. He loved Star Wars more than me. He was covered in tattoos. Collected more sneakers than me. And that boy was head turning handsome AF. He didn't know how special he was. And he adored me. His best friend said I've never seen him so happy. We had this connection I cannot put into words that I never felt before. He told me daily he was scared of losing me but in the end I lost him tragically. That love was pure. He literally took a chunk of my heart with him when he died.

So that's it. I had my three loves so I'm done? WTF. I don't buy that BS. Maybe I am. Maybe I'll be single forever but that little piece of my heart says in it's tiny little broken voice "don't give up, have hope." And while that hope grows smaller each day and each time I try to date and it doesn't work out, there is a strand of hope there that I can find that kind of love I had with Jay again one day.