The Work Crush

Have you ever had a crush on someone at work? It can be weird and intoxicating and fun but also a slippery slope. I haven't had that many. Can count on one hand. I try not to make a habit about it, especially considering that one time in 1999 I had a work crush and then he ended up my husband then ex-husband haha.

But for the last year or two, I slowly developed a crush on Mr. Cupcake. Why the ridiculous nickname? Because we joke around a lot about cupcakes. It's a spin-off story not necessary for the blog and quite silly anyway lol.

Mr. Cupcake started at my work post-Covid, so up until recently I never met him in person. Not even a Zoom call. But we worked together on quite a few projects, but he was in a different department. I've heard his voice and seen his LinkedIn pic (so freaking cute) and that was it. We clearly had great banter back and forth in emails. And on calls when it was just the two of us, we got along really well.

Over the course of the year or two, we got to know each other. He lives nearby, he's divorced, he has two kids around the same age as my daughter. I got to know his hobbies and likes, his favorite drink. It started off in company email, then moved to LinkedIn messaging, then he gave me his number and it moved to texting and phone calls. Almost daily for a few weeks once we had each other's personal phone numbers.

I knew I was totally crushing on him when we had a two hour phone convo one night. And we kept talking about getting together, especially with our kids since we lived so close. So I invited him out with my friends one night to see a band but he couldn't go. So he suggested let's meet up for a drink. Um, hell yea.

I was sooo nervous to meet him because I knew I was crushing on him and I knew I've been flirting with him but I literally had no idea what he looked like except one pic on LinkedIn! And I also knew this was a slippery slope because we work together, but I also felt like hey, we are both looking for new jobs so maybe just maybe.

So we met for drinks. As soon as I saw him, just dang. He was ridiculously cute in person. Very tall, kinda skinny, great smile, beautiful eyes, sweet beard, a little preppy. Totally not my type at all but I was 100% attracted to him. I knew this was gonna be hard to not flirt with him. We had a great night sharing drinks, a pretzel, and work and dating stories. But I couldn't quite get a read on him so I did what I do best - shoot my shot. And just like every other time I have this year, it ended up the same way. Me embarrassing myself.

Once we starting talking about dating in general I said well, Mr. Cupcake, I think you are quite cute and you know I've been flirting with you for at least a year.

(Now here's where I know he wasn't dumb, but actually just not feeling me and had to play dumb.) His response: "Really?!?! You've been flirting with me?" (Boy stop, you know WE'VE been flirting with each other.) Then he forced out a "well I think you are cute too but it's just too awkward because we work together." Forced. He def said I was cute because I said it first and he didn't want to look like a jerk because he's so not.

I was not born yesterday. As Joan Crawford said, "Don't fuck with me fellas. This ain't my first time at the rodeo."

I KNEW it was me. Once he saw me in person, he lost interest. Was it my face in person (he's only seen my LinkedIn pic and one other pic I sent) since sometimes in person isn't the same as a photo? Was it my body since he only saw two headshots? Did he think I was too fat? My outfit (which I thought was cute)? Or just my overall everything - face, body, outfit, appearance? Whatever it was made me feel pretty shitty about myself.

Soon after our awkward exchange, he said it was getting late and he had to go. We left. He gave me a quick awkward hug, didn't walk me to my car and took off as fast as he could. He texted me that night to say thank you for the cupcakes (yes I actually brought him cupcakes because I told him I would). I said thank you for the drink.

Two days passed with no word (after almost daily exchanges of calls and texts). I finally gave in and texted him I didn't get a job I interviewed for. He expressed his condolences and told me he was still waiting to hear on his. I responded with my condolences and that was it. So awkward.

Then a few work IMs. So I extended the olive branch last night and said - listen I'm sorry I made things weird between us but we are still friends. He said no need to apologize, sorry I think I read it wrong, I think you are super cool but yea things would be weird. So I asked what did he mean by read it wrong? He said sometimes he's oblivious. So it was swept under the rug and we chatted about work and other silly things the rest of the night via text.

I get it. He's so freaking nice. He doesn't want to hurt my feelings but he's definitely play the "oblivious" card. It's not like he's gonna say I'm just not attracted to you. This one was a definite blow to the ego because 100% I know it has to do with my physical appearance. And it has me going down a rabbit hole as more and more men reject me. Maybe I'm not as attractive as I thought. Maybe I am started to look old, tired, chubby. It's really taking a toll on my self esteem lately. Even with the job rejection. It's hard to not think somethings NOT wrong with you when you face rejection everywhere. (Let's not count the dick who placed my hand on his dick - because let's be real - he wanted one thing anyway and when they want that, they don't care what you look like.)

But now it's about self-preservation. I need to be more mindful of protecting my heart, my mental health and overall well being. Rejection hurts no matter how you dice it.

C'est la vie.

#dating #datingsucks #datingblog #saltygirldating #datinginyour40s #selfpreservation