“You’ll find someone when you stop looking…” Annoying cliches single people hear

Let’s face it. If you have been single for an extended period of time, chances are you’ve heard some lame ass cliche from friends or family trying to keep you encouraged about your sad dating life. Whether you are filled with hope or optimism about your dating life, or like me, dread and disgust, the cliches will make your eyes roll so hard back into your head, you may end up permanently looking like a zombie. The issue is people don’t know what to say to single friends. They want to be encouraging, but end up sounding like everyone else, giving trash cliches that hold no weight and make the single person feel even worse about their single hood. I also found the cliches come from married or coupled people who never really experienced dating as a single person for an extended period. Especially as a single mom in her mid-40s. And especially during the swipe culture. For today, we will focus on the one I hate the most and hear the most… “You’ll find someone when you are not looking.” OMG stop. Please stop for the love of God. People automatically assume you spend your days and nights searching for “The One.” It’s your whole life’s purpose. Guess what non-single people? I don’t know any single person who makes finding a partner a priority. It’s just a basic want. And in most cases, including my own, not a need. So stop insulting us with this. Furthermore, I can give you two prime examples of why this cliche is bullshit: Example A. A very good friend from high school, age 46, has been single for 7 years. She stopped looking 7 years ago and guess what, she’s still single, hasn’t had any dates, has met no one. This woman travels by herself often and isn’t at home eating Ben and Jerrys. Example B. Many times I have removed myself from dating apps for months at a time. In those times, I’ve never met anyone, had dates, etc. I go out alone all the time or with girlfriends. I’m never approached while I’m out. IN TWO YEARS. I don’t think I’m horrendous to look at. It just doesn’t ever happen. Let’s face it, I’m not gonna meet someone while I’m at home binging Little House on the Prairie while shoveling 94% fat free popcorn in my mouth.

I’ve been casually dating someone for over 2 months. I don’t know where It’s going but nothing has been defined or spoken about so technically, I’m still single. I’m not actively looking either. I’ve been off dating apps for 3 months now. And guess what - besides my casual situationship, I have not met any men or have been asked out on any dates in the last 3 months or have been approached by men while I’m out. Or wait, unless you count 5 men from my past contacting me for a casual hook up, i.e. sex. So instead of saying this Catch-22 phrase - I mean how can you find love if you are not looking - just be a support person for your single friend. Tell them how awesome they are. Invite them out to hang out and not as a third wheel. But please, I beg of you, don’t tell them they will find someone when they stop looking. It's just annoying. And not true.

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