Summer of '69...I mean '22

Well I know it's been a while. I started a new job in June and just haven't had the time to write but..... I also thought about deleting the blog as it's sometimes too painful to re-live the memories of heartbreak and rejection. I had it hidden for a while. But then I realized I know it helps others and I know writing helps me. It's therapeutic.

So what's been going on. More of the same shit. More heartbreak. More rejection. More lessons learned. The last time we left off I was left heartbroken by The Giant who abruptly ended things with me to go back to his stripper ex-girlfriend.

While this was going on, I happened to go to the Deftones concert where I ran into my ex. You know "THE" ex (I never gave him a nickname but here it is - Hoover - more on that later). The one I dated last year for several months only to catch him cheating on me in January with his ex-girlfriend. I was devastated. I wanted to marry that man. I was going to move in with him this year. He told my daughter he wanted to be her stepdad.

He admittedly showed up at the Deftones show to find me because he knew I was there. I had been ignoring his texts for months. But when I saw him I tried to walk away but he insisted he wanted to talk to me. We talked. I cried. He apologized. We talked a lot over the next few days but I told him I was dating the The Giant and he needed to back off. He did. Then The Giant dumped me and I found myself back in the arms of Hoover. He told me he loved me. That he was sorry for what he did. Asked for forgiveness. Wanted to try again. I was the right woman for him. I was his best friend that he lost.

Love bombing at it's finest.

I told few family and friends. Some were not happy. Some were optismitic he changed. Everyone warned me to be cautious. It was a month of love and reconciliation. Until he decided he couldn't do this anymore. He was not capable of being in a relationship. He was not capable of being my boyfriend again. That I had too many feelings. He started to grow distant. Act like he did when he was cheating. Didn't want to see me for an entire month. Accused me of having too many feelings (when he was the one who awakened them). A lot of crying. A lot of arguing. A lot of gaslighting on his part. Until I finally said enough. I told him I'm not letting you do this to me any more. I'm walking away. I told him to never contact me again. I was just left hurt all over again.

I'm still dealing with the fuckedupness of having him come back into my life. Not because I still love him. I think he's a horrible human being. I will never forgive him for hurting me but more so my daughter. Twice. What I discussed with my therapist is the part I'm still struggling with is not wanting him back or the relationship (absolutely NOT) but the fact that someone could hurt me so bad, TWICE, because it's not something I could or would ever do to another human being.

But my friend Jenny helped me make sense of it all when she told me he "hovered" me.

"Hoovering is a manipulation strategy narcissists use to keep their victims in or suck them back into a toxic relationship. Narcissists use this type of emotional abuse when they sense that their victim is seeking to pull out of the narcissistic abuse cycle."

The article resonated with me on so many levels but it's exactly what he did. But it's in the past now and it's been quite some time since it ended. I have been trying to move on and date again, of course unsuccessfully, but that's another story for another time....